The Life of A Single Parent 14

Well, I now realize that I may have left you guys hanging at the end of last week’s blog. For that I do apologize. You may remember I spoke of the ongoing custody battle I went through a few years ago with my now ex-husband and I left out the end result.

With the help of many of the agencies I listed in that blog I was able to regain custody of my son after not having seen him in more than a year. It has been 3 years since our divorce was finalized, and my son is still suffering from the effects of it. He visits with a child therapist once a week and he also speaks to his school counselor on a regular basis as well. He suffers deep separation anxiety, and often has trouble expressing his emotions.

Now, for all that trouble that my ex went through trying to gain full custody and basically push me out of my own child’s life; you’d probably be surprised to know that since the divorce 3 years ago his father has literally seen him a handful of times, pays little to no child support at all and has since moved back to Houston to live with his parents blissfully unaware of the residual effects of his actions and how they’ve impacted our son.

In the aftermath I have been left to pick up the pieces of my child’s broken heart. He is recovering slowly but surely although it is a day to day struggle. He’s growing and for now seems to be on the right track. I can honestly say that if it had not been for the help of friends, family, and a few outside resources I wouldn’t have been able to keep fighting for my son and what was right.

The Life of A Single Parent 13

Imagine if you can going to pick your child up from school only to find when you arrive, he’s gone. When you ask the teacher and administrators where he went and who picked him up they don’t know. You call everyone you know to ask if they may have picked your child up & nobody knows what you’re even talking about. As a parent it is the worst feeling in the world, there I am I’m freakin out and a hysterical mess in the school office when the attendance lady comes to me and says, “Well his mom signed him out early today.” I’m standing there in shock. All of a sudden it hits me, his dad took him and I’m never getting him back. You see we’d been in the middle of a long, nasty, custody and divorce battle.

 So, I call the police to make a report that my son had been parentally kidnapped by my ex. Much to my surprise in the state of Texas in an ongoing custody battle neither parent has custody of that child until it is written in ink on the final divorce papers. It becomes a civil matter for the courts to decide.  The officer informs me that there isn’t anything he can do for me; he kindly excuses himself and walks away.

That would be my fate for the next year. It was as though they had fallen off the map. Court dates stopped coming, and I had no idea where or how to locate my child or my ex for that matter. I felt hopeless, until I did some research and found that there was something that I could do. It takes some persistence and fight but hang in there, because it does get better. Here’s how. If you think you can’t afford help guess again there are many agencies out there to help single or low income parents.

·         In Texas Lone Star Legal Aid (services are free or reduced depending on your situation if they can’t help you they will provide outside referrals).

·         Look online there are limitless possibilities

·         Fathers for Equal Rights (they helped file my divorce response and petition for full custody, which I now have).

http://www.abanet.org/child/pkprevrem.pdf

http://www.lonestarlegal.org/

http://www.fathers4kids.com/html/Home.htm

The Life of A Single Parent 12

As a single parent I have learned to kind of swallow my pride and ask for help from people that I normally would not normally. I ask advice on parenting tips, on time management ideas, and sitter references. It does make a difference while not all advice is good advice, I am able to filter through and make a better informed decision about things.
I realize that this is not the case for a lot of single parents out there but for parents that don't there are many available online that I've found and even used from
time to time.
Believe me when I say being a parent to a 13, 11 and 2 year old is not easy and without a good support system and resources available to me I really don't know what I'd do. I've chosen a few good resourses that I've used in the past and listed them below. These are just a couple but there is more to come.


singleparents.about.com
http://mobile.associatedcontent.com/article/394639/resources_for_single_parents_from_food.html

The life of a single parent 11

I was having a conversation last night with my 13 year old son. During which we discussed various topics from school to girls and pretty much everything else in between. 
My boyfriend and I recently got him a cell phone, he has good grades, participates in group sports and for all intents and purposes is a pretty good kid all around with the exception of normal teenage stuff. That said, as we were chatting with one another my middle son comes up and asks, "Hey, Nate can I borrow your phone to call my dad?" he was permitted... It occurred to me that Nathon had not given his dad his new number, I asked if he wanted me to give his dad the number and he declined. 
That kind of caught me off guard, so I asked well why is that? My son said, "I don't wanna talk to him, he does nothing for me and if he wants to talk to me he can call me his self."
To understand his sentiment, you would have to know that his dad was pretty much absent until my son was 5 years old and has really only been active in his life for the last couple years. I've never been one to bad mouth my ex's or say things that are unfavorable because I feel like my children will learn on their own, and this seems to be the case with Nathon. He has grown so used to empty promises and an absentee dad that he no longer wants to deal with it. I am not going to push the issue, nor will I try to sway him in any way because i truly feel like he is old enough to make that decision on his own. 
Being a single parent is not an easy job by any means but in my own experience I have learned that sometimes it is better that the other party just stay away because coming in and out of a childs life in the end causes much confusion and resentment for children. My mom always said, "it's better to have one good parent, than to have two messed up ones that can't get along".

The Life of A Single Parent 10

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!

Well, it has been quite a chaotic for me this week. I had two birthdays to celebrate. My middle son turned 11 and my youngest son turned 2. A good time was had by most, but my 11 was a bit down his father; who lives in Houston; promised that he would be there and of course the day of the party came and went without so much as a phone call. So, there I am consoling my poor son, telling him everything will be ok and that something must have happened that he was not able to be there.

That is the role I have played for most of my sons young life, when his dad has let him down for one reason or another. I don’t believe in bad mouthing or slandering the absent parent so when his dad doesn’t live up to his end of the agreement, I often find myself making excuses for him so that my son doesn’t feel rejected or unwanted. This has been an ongoing thing since we divorced and it breaks my heart so know that the man I married could care so little for his child’s feelings. It tears me up.

I really don’t get it, a lot of my other friends that are single parents say “well you should just be happy that he does come around, no matter how little.” To me that is just not acceptable, I could see if we hadn’t of been married but there just isn’t an excuse for it. He rarely visits, doesn’t keep up on his support payments and makes every excuse in the world as to why he should of, would of, or could’ve but just can’t. I guess it’s time for him to stop with the excuses, and time for me to stop excusing them.

As I write this, I have an epiphany… Thank you.

The Life of Single Parents 9

I think the deadbeat parents need to consider more than just themselves when it comes to paying child support, the  numbers below affect the children most of all, I say forget the issues that lead you to where you are and do what’s right. The children should not be the ones to suffer. I know all too well about these issues. The Attorney General’s office does not make things much easier once a court order is established at that point you are pretty much on your own.

Keeping track of your case pretty much becomes your responsibility, you must track where and who the non-custodial parent is employed. As I have experienced if the non- custodial parent is a contractor for instance; that is a very close community of guys; their employer will often times manipulate pay records, or not comply with the AG offices for wage garnishment. It’s messed up I know but it does happen.

If the non-custodial parent falls behind on payment, you had better be ready to do some searching of your own, because the AG office will drag their feet and just let the arrears add up, as you may or may not know if they don’t pay interest adds up, and that interest goes to the state. So, if you want the money that is owed to you, you better be prepared to work for it.

·         Did you know that 49% of all custodial parents who have court ordered child support don't receive it?

·         70% of all black children in single parent households live below poverty level.

·         50% of all white children growing up in single parent households who do not receive the child support they are supposed to live at or below poverty level.

There is help:

 www.child-support-laws-state-by-state.com/change-is-coming-for-custodial-parents-texas-single-parents-coalition.html

The Life of A Single Parent 8

In keeping more or less with the topic of last week’s blog I came across an article via web of course, that caused me to pause. So, here goes. As I stated last week about 84% of single parents are moms, 16% are dads. The circumstances by which they become single parents are quite different. It states most men become single parents due to divorce, this usually happens because the mother either gives up her parental rights or is proven incompetent.

For the most part single moms and dads face similar challenges from combining parenting responsibilities, to balancing work coordinating doctors’ visits and such and both share in the same economic disadvantages. The first part of this statement I take issue with and believe that every situation is much different than the last and I feel it depends on each individual’s upbringing and the circumstances surrounding each individual. That said here goes:

·         On average, single fathers have higher standards of living than do single mothers, which decreases potential stresses within the family. On the same note single mothers have been reported to have warmer and more structured relationships with their children than do single fathers.

·         Several studies have indicated that once economic factors are taken into account, children from single-mother families fare better than children from single-father families. Such differences may be accounted for by these parenting differences or by the aforementioned differences in the circumstances surrounding the father custody arrangement.

·         Single dad households vs. single mom homes in now every 1 in 6.

·         Single fathers are more likely have custody of older children vs. younger children & tend to receive custody of boys rather than girls.

Just a little food for thought!

http://social.jrank.org/pages/581/Single-Parent-Families-Single-Fathers-Compared-Single-Mothers.html

The Life of A Single Parent 7

It seems single fatherhood is becoming almost as common as single motherhood these days. I was doing some reading online today to find out just how many dads are raising children in a single parent environment and was shocked to find that number of single fathers is not as uncommon as I first thought. In fact, since the early 80’s the number of single dads has doubled to nearly 1.6 million. That equates to 6% a year and is double to that of single mothers. I can honestly say that I had no idea that the number was so quite so high, as hard as it is for single mothers out here trying to raise kids, I can only imagine how much more difficult it must be for a man. Hats off to all the single dads out there.

In an article published in Newsweek titled “It’s Not like Mr. Mom” the author states: “ … and they’re not the stereotypical wealthy widowers or fathers raising boys or older kids. According to a recent study about two-thirds of single fathers are divorced, but 25% have never tied the marital knot; only 7.5% are widowers. 44% of their children are daughters and 1/3 of these men care for preschoolers.” (Patrick Batchelder) author and single father.

The Life of A Single Parent 6

 I came home yesterday to find my 11 year old reading about gangs. Admittedly, I was a little taken aback to find that my would give such mature reading material. When I asked her why she did, she replied, “He’s going into middle school next year, he needs to know what to expect.” After a little thinking I agreed.

I took it upon myself to read the book, entitled “Gangs” as well to get a better perspective as to why so many youths find this an attractive lifestyle. There is no one particular reason that youths join gangs. However, the author states that in his research he found that the most common factor was an unstable family environment. Gangs seem to serve as a sort of surrogate family, creating some sense of belonging.

These statements were confirmed when conducting an interview with a teenage member of the Los Angeles gang,“The Bloods” when asked why he chose to join a gang his response was, “My dad…I don’t see him that much. Probably if he was around I would not have joined the Bloods… When I first joined I was looking at it like another family.” Los Angeles Daily News

 It is just sad to know that this is the plight of many of the kids that my son is attending school with. I know its cliché, but taking the time to your kids and making them aware of what’s going on around them is the best prevention. After all, an informed decision is the best decision.

·         Teens in a single parent environment are 2.4 times more likely to become gang affiliated than most other teens

·         Teens that have an adult other than their parents in the home are 3 times more likely to join a gang than other teens

The Life of A Single Parent 5

The outcome of children raised in a single parent home is not very favorable to say the least. Studies show that fatherless children are at greater risk of developing alcohol, drug abuse, and mental disorders. Not to mention low education standards, teen pregnancy and they are also more likely to engage in criminal behavior. That is rather alarming; while I was aware of most of these statistics I can honestly say that I was shocked and saddened by some of them. I am the product of a single parent environment and I did experience many of the challenges that come from being raised by one parent.

My mother always did her best to provide a good life for us; she led by example and only wanted the best for us. I now know that she didn’t want for us to become the typical product of our surroundings. She made it a point to encourage us to participate in group activities (sports,music,) always stressed to us the importance of staying in school and continuing education. Although, I did not appreciate her efforts at the time I do understand now more than ever what she was trying to do and I try to instill those same values in my sons. I came across an article online that just cemented all the efforts that my mother made to try and make myself and my sibling’s productive members of society. Even though it is an old periodical I think it still rings true.

http://www.photius.com/feminocracy/facts_on_fatherless_kids.html

The Life of A Single Parent 4

Did you know that 20% of all college students these days are single parents? Well, that number is steadily on the rise. As crazy and chaotic as college life is for a single person, it is probably 100 times more chaotic for a single parent. Society tends to look down upon single parents with the general attitude that we are lazy, careless, and perhaps reckless in choosing our sexual partners. That is quite a burden to bare, and a lot to overcome. Balancing work, school and family obligations are tough for any student, but for those with children especially.
 As a single parents we are not expected to excel like our single counterparts and to be honest college life is not particularly forgiving for the single parent with exam schedules, finals, doctors appointments, parent meetings. Without the help of a strong support system it is easy to just throw in the towel. Therefore, I feel it is essential to learn effective time management skills and use that time wisely. I personally try designate time for all areas of study.

• Know what your objective is for the week, keep a day planner (essential)
• Reserve a couple hours every afternoon for my children's homework
• Designate a couple of hours each day for my homework (usually before kids get home from school, while my little one takes his afternoon nap)
• Keep one day open a week for group projects, power points and such
• Every Wednesday we go to my oldest sons football game, you gotta have some fun every once in a while to avoid getting burnt out.

These are just a few suggestions, find what works for you, and stick to it. It really is all about time management.

The Life of A Single Parent 3

Being a single parent these days is not easy by any means. Trying to keep your head above water and setting good example for your children can be very challenging at times. This is especially so when you stop to think that single mother households live below poverty level, earning a mere $13,000 a year. That isn't enough to support one person let alone a family. Children that come from single parent homes do not fare well when compared to thier 2 parent couterparts. Below are a couple of facts I found in regards to children in single parent situations. http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/297615/single_parent_households_how_does_it.html

•  72% of teenage murderers come from single parent households
• 60% commit rape and are more likely to exhibiy violent behavior in general
• 75% of teen pregnancies come from single households

I am an advocate for children in organized sports and activities as a means of helping to build self confidence and self worth. I know that this has helped my teenage son stay away from negative influences.

the Life of A Single Parent 2

I was watching a commercial yesterday about one of Oprah’s upcoming shows; it was the children of 9-11; a look back at where they were then and where they are now. It made me sad because as much I complain about the fact that my children’s father plays less than an active role in their lives at least they still have him. Weather it’s once a month or twice a year. It's amazing how much we take for granted, these poor children will never know thier fathers, all they will know is what they were. As sad as that was I had a moment of reflection and I felt angered at how some men can just disregard thier children as if they were garbage.
It is not as though their father was just a man I met one day and got pregnant by he was the man I married and thought I’d spend my life with. So, when did he decide to check out and decide that my children were no longer good enough for him? It makes me wonder, “What makes a man decide that to give up on his children?” They are the innocent ones in all this. The sad part of this is that my ex-husband does not realize or may just doesn’t care about the emotional damage he has caused his youngest son. There was time when the two were inseparable, and now not really even so much as a call on the holidays. I know that I have not been the most perfect parent that I would’ve like to have been to my children but working going to school and trying to maintain a household is hard work when you are the soul provider. I guess that my only hope is that my children wont hold this against me as they get older. I only want the best for them.

The Life of A Single Parent 1

So, I got to thinking about what it is that I might want to "blog" about... And, I decided that I might as well stick to something I know about...

The plight of the single mother in society today. As anyone that has been a single parent knows it is not easy. Trying to handle work, keeping up with household duties, and going to school is an everyday task. Those are just a few obstacles to overcome as a single parent, worrying from month to month if you'll be able to afford rent or food for your children is no fun at all.

Being a single parent  means that you have to play the role of mother and father to your children. For a mother raising boys it is increasingly difficult to keep them away from outside influences that may not have thier best interests at heart, the plight of young men being raised by a single mother is a whole different subject in itself. All you can really do is hope that you are doing your best and in the end that all will turn out ok.  Take it from me if you just maintain focus and a positive attitude and with a little help from friends and family everything works out in the end.